After realizing I started to have feelings for him (and he did too, for me), I decided that one of these days he must know about Matthew. It wouldn't be fair to him if I kept on replying to both him and Matthew. I knew it then if I wanted to try it with Luis, I was going to have to end things with Matthew. But knowing a sweetheart Matthew really is, I didn't have a heart to just say bye (or block him on Facebook like Stephanie suggested). I knew the best way was to take it slow and explain it to him why it wouldn't work, so I needed time.
On WhatsApp, you can see if someone you are texting with is reading your message or not. When he is, right below his name it is written "online", and when he is not, it is written "last seen on (time sign)". During the 20 minutes I was telling him all about Matthew, he stayed in a complete silent, reading my every message without even commenting a word. Right after I finished, he was typing something, but I stopped him. I explained him what I really felt, because it was probably the last time he would ever want to talk to me. I knew I made a mistake and he was going to be really mad, but I cared about him and he deserved to know the truth. And I was right, he was really mad.
"Wow, I thought I had met the most honest girl in the world." I gasped. I felt my heart broke, but I continued reading what he was typing in one long message. "Wasn't it all about trust..? I put a lot of energy in 'us' because it felt so good. But you were just hiding this huge thing from me.. I feel pretty betrayed and hurt right now. Not because he loves you, but because you were hiding things from me and I thought it was all about honesty and trust. Something I couldn't find here in Holland, but now I see it's just human. It now feels like you dump him not because you don't like him but because you like me more."
The next minutes continued to be a living hell. He didn't hide his anger, it was really clear that he was upset. I did all in my ability to explain why he is different than the other guys, especially Matthew, but even I know, if I were him, I wouldn't be convinced. How can he be? For all he knows, he could be the next Matthew I'll dump when I meet someone better. I went from feeling guilty, to getting angry, to defending myself, to feeling guilty again. But when he said, "The thing is, this had happened before and I don't know why I deserve this." he finally stated one thing I was honestly most afraid of, because I know this is somehow similar to his story with his ex-girlfriend of three years, Lisan. With all energy drained from my body, I texted him, "Lu. You don't deserve this. You're right. Thank you for the past weeks. It's been a pleasure talking with you. :)"
That's it, I thought. I have messed up and now I have to bear the consequences of screwing up on something I had put my heart into. But there came another text, "Don't say that.. I never said I would give you up."
The rational reaction was to feel grateful and thank him, but I fell in too deep, I know I don't deserve him. What I didn't believe, even after I treated him like this, he still replied my every message, although I know he was still flushed. I finally told him to just go, to which he replied, and broke my heart into the even tinier things, "I don't know, I really like you, all about you. But this is the second time you are talking about quitting.. I want someone who will stay with me and doesn't give up. And you have to tell me you will never lie to me again or hide things.. And you really have to make it up to me."
We talked about this some more, and I did something I had never done to any other guy before, I begged. Well, not in a clingy way or something, but I made it crystal clear I was really sorry and he needed to give me sometime to really 'break up' with Matthew, because that's what I was going to do.
V: Fuck my pride. Lu, don't give up on me. The second you give up on me, I will give up on myself.
Magically, he softened.
L: You will get a chance. I mean, everyone deserves a second chance. But you are really lucky that I like you, because otherwise I wouldn't even talk back.
V: I know. Please know that I'm really sorry.
L: That's not the point. I know you are. It's more that I have difficulties to trust you again. You really have to earn it now. And that will take some time.
What happened after that really caught me off-guard. He wanted to know about our future. He was asking a set of serious questions and although I answered them one by one, it still gave me a huge question mark. He asked me everything, from our religions difference (he's a Roman Catholic while I am a Protestant) to our views about marriage (he's really skeptical about marriage while I would keep my virginity until the day I get married). Until finally, I couldn't stop myself from blurting, "Before this, did you really think we would make it until the summer is over?" And he replied in a split second, "Yes. I have no idea why it should end."
That was when I was at a loss for words. Every time I told Mom about him, I always said, "Relax, Mom, in several days, our holidays would be over. I'll get busy with school and he will too. We'll stop texting and voila, it will be as if we never knew each other." Seeing him so positive about us, it actually slapped me. He has faith in us. And something moved in me. Something told me everything was going to be alright.
And just like that, we both cooled off. Sure, we still discussed about important matters (at one point I even asked him frankly, what about his sexual needs, since we come from different background and lifestyle and I have nothing to offer), all the heavy stuffs there were, but we did it with clearer mind and better acceptance.
To my surprise, we really did make up, and we made up good. We joked about things, tried the words 'lake' and 'luke' to substitute 'like', and invented "the weird scale". Although I was dead worn out after our two-hour fight, I went to bed smiling from his sweet message, "I really feel good now that everything is 'cleared'. How fast you already made me smile again, it's amazing. :) We talked about so much in so few days! You are a kakak for everyone, but for me a sayang. <3 <3 En ga nu slapen, Liefje." Ah.
