Laggard

There is just so much to write! Unfortunately my days have been unbelievably hectic lately, making it impossible to retell the stories sequentially from the last point, September 2. I realize I'm still three weeks behind the actual timeline, but I'm hoping to catch up as soon as the CCC (competition & conference chaos) ends. Stay positive, and in the wise words of Glee, "Don't stop believing."

Yes, you may puke now.

Sep 2 - The Player Handbook

Imagine your girlfriend being a thousand miles away from you. She just got a new haircut and sent you one of the pictures she took of the new hair, automatically the one she thinks she looks best in. The least you could do is give her compliments, right? Right?

No. After the picture finished sending, he only responded to it with, "It's nice Honey. (heart)" and went talking about something else. Unbelievable!

I also can't help but notice that he barely calls me with cute names. He uses Princess every now and then, but it's really every now and then, it's rarer than the variety of remaining source of non-renewable energy left in the world. My everyday terms of endearments are 'teasy', 'spoily', 'meanie', 'smartass', and even 'crazy'.

Last but not least, he never begs to call me on LINE. Firstly he said it was because of he was afraid of his English, but even after discovering that we talk just fine on the phone, he still is not in any rush to call me again.

Oh, and he hasn't said the L-word. If our discussion accidentally brings something related to love, he will always say, "I will love you (blablabla)". That's the euphemism of "Well, I don't love you, at least not yet." :P

The more I think about this, the more I realize: I find myself being attracted to him because he's not trying hard to get my attention. He plays hard to get and I just want to take this challenge to capture his heart, unlike those guys who I don't need to chase at all. Usually it's the guys who find the chasing part enjoyable, in this case it's me.

I swear this must be listed on his Player Handbook.

Aug 31 - Echo

I was out all day for a church gathering (imagine having a service in TMII with 1300 other people) and a dinner in Pizza e Birra Plaza Indonesia afterwards (Stephanie, Sharon, Laura, their parents, Christopher, Veronica, and Irene). We didn't talk much because I off-ed my internet connection to save the battery, but every now and then I would be reminded of our phone call yesterday and it would make me smile.

At the dinner, I finally texted him because Irene and Stephanie were asking a lot, especially because they just found out he now has LINE and they wanted to "ask him about diet tips". Yeah, sure, hahaha. The three talked for sometime but not long after, he had to go to Ryan's swimming lesson. To this, Irene reacted, "I'm so glad he is a family guy, cause he's not dating you, Kak, he's practically dating the whole family." Hmm, that's actually true. :D

August was really a great month for us. We've learnt so much about each other, either it's through normal chats, questions, confessions, or fights, either it's something we like about/in each other or we find annoying. If it's up to me, I really hope we'll go a long way..

Aug 30 - First Date

I was dead nervous about our first call (he first mentioned it on Wednesday when he installed LINE only for me), it almost felt like a first date with someone you really like based on his profile on Facebook. So forgive me if I was even crazier that night.

One hour to the call.

V: It's okay for me if we don't call today, hehe.

L: Yes, but I don't have other things to do. But if you don't wanna call today you can tell me.

V: Do you want to call me today? :D

L: Hey I asked you first!!

V: You didn't!!! You were telling me to tell you if I didn't want you to call me today. (tongue outs faces)

L: But yes, I just want to hear your voice. (closing eyes monkey) You want to, Smartass?

V: SINCE YOU CALL ME SMARTASS, NO! (exaggerated crying faces)

L: A jokeeee (sad face) (red heart)

V: Call me with something else. (one teary eye) Then I'll get to decide whether you're forgiven or not. (frown)

L: Sayang, you want too? (closing eyes monkey)

V: Sayang is not original!! (shocked face)

L: Uhm, you want too, Candy? (bee)

V: Hahahahahaha, I now look like a prostitute!!! Sugar is better but candy is just wrong. But you're forgiven, because you're sincere. (three green hearts)

L: Yeayy (red heart)

V: Lu?

L: Yes?

V: Am I so hard to handle?

L: Uhm, I don't know yet.

V: IS THAT A YES???? (shocked face)

L: Nooo, haha, but I mean now it's okay and I will give you all attention you need. But it's better to say yes or no when we have a fight.

Ten minutes to the call.

L: How long do you wanna call? So I can make an estimation.

V: OMG ARE YOU GONNA TIME ME???

L: Nooooooo!

V: It's our first call and I have a limit???

L: Hahaha, okay, stupid question.

V: Um, 5 minutes?

L: ARE YOU GONNA TIME ME OMG VIC

One minute to the call.

V: I'm covering my face with one hand.

The call.

L: Huh? I called you.

V: I was ending it on purpose. I was too nervous.

No kidding, I rejected his first ever phone call, hahahaha. But when he called me again, I finally had the guts to pick it up and say hello. I was lying on my stomach on the cold floor because my bed is too comfortable and it didn't help my nerve. After exchanging hello's, believe it or not his first sentence was, "Omg, your accent is so good!" What, of all things in the world that he could've said to me!!

We talked about everything, and the whole time I was kicking empty air and giggly, we were laughing so much! Which made my tummy feel even weirder, as if the butterflies weren't constantly trying to beat the fastest flying time on Guinness Book of Record.

He was a big, fat liar by the way. He always said he's a quiet person and fussing about how I should be talking non-stop because he wouldn't say much if we were ever on the phone. In reality, he was almost as talkative as I was! His pathetic defense was, "I AM quiet. But I can talk a lot when I feel comfortable." Yeah, whatever, haha. I enjoyed it almost too much.

One hour after the call.

"Oke, Liefje. Ik vond het fijn om je stem te horen, zoooo schattig (closing eyes monkey). Ik voelde vlinders in me buik en dat wordt alleen maar erger. En zou het leuk vinden om vaker te bellen. Jij bent mijn meisje en dat zul je altijd blijven. Weltrusten en droom zacht. (red heart) (yellow heart) (red heart)"

Aug 30 - Bargaining Position

This is after I teased him non-stop.

V: Want a kiss?

L: No.

V: Mmm, two? :)

L: Nooo.

V: Three?

L: I want 20 kisses and a long hug. (blushing face) I am not cheap, haha.

V: That's too much!!! 5 kisses and a regular hug!

L: Meet me in the middle..

V: Ugh you're hard to please. Final offer: 10 kisses and a semi-long hug. Do we have a deal, Meneer?

L: 13 kisses and a long hug. Okay, deal, Baby. (offering lips)

V: Hey what is that!!! The agreement has to be mutual!

L: Hahaha

V: 13 kisses, a long hug, and two pieces of McDonald's french fries. Now let's shake on it. (waving hand)

L: Nooo, okay, 10 kisses and the semi-hug is fine. (blushing face)

I can't believe he just did that!!!!

Aug 30 - Human Doubt

The risks of online dating could vary from the very mild one to a disaster. When I was 'with' M, Mom became more attentive listening to people's misfortunes from online dating. One day, she came home from the beauty salon and told me that one of the fellow client has a daughter who was in a relationship with a guy she met online (a fellow Indonesian but from a different tribe). The two had been talking and dating for so long until they finally agreed to meet each other. When they finally did, apparently the guy has one foot longer than the other. The girl accepted and decided that she's in love with him nevertheless and now they are married, not giving a damn about what the mother had to say.

I wasn't going to stop talking with Luis if he had a physical ability, that's for sure. But that got me thinking, if he really had something, could I accept him and stay with him for the years to come? That's another thing. I embarrassed myself by asking him that, but what other options did I have? To say I was relieved when his pictures confirmed he's perfectly fine was the understatement of the century. But right after I let out a deep sigh and said, "Is there anything I should know about you?", he stopped. I felt my breath hitched again, until his next message came through, "Uhmmm.. I have two tattoo's."

He has two tattoos. *giggling school girl*

Aug 28 - The X-Files

Today is the anniversary of my last day at HPAIR. I was a bit tense and of course he had to sense that. Eventually, I chose to tell him every single thing about it, including my two-night fling with W (even the madness of kissing W and J in one night). I figured, I don't wanna have anything to hide, so it's better for him to know about it all.

One thing I'm so grateful of, we are always cool when we mention our exes (except for that one time when he told me what he did every time he fell asleep with his ex). I know about his first love H who gave him a plane ticket to Paris as a surprise and his three-year relationship with L (After breaking up with her three months ago and basically in non-speaking terms, a few days back out of the blue she texted him asking him to come over and celebrate her grandfather's death anniversary. He replied coldly, "Sorry but no, I have a girlfriend and I don't think she'll be happy about that." I didn't even say a word, hahaha. She texted him again the next day for the same thing and he was really annoyed, "After three months of no contact, she just thought it'd be okay to ask me that because she wanted something." She should have picked up the hint when she saw Luis' picture on WhatsApp, duh.). He knows about Alfons (this one I can't use initials because most of my exes' names start with an 'A', hahaha) and how I changed when I met him and changed again after breaking up with him. I don't think he'd want to know about my other exes, haha, but he knows about M, clearly. I still crack up every time I remember how he always refuses calling him "Matthew" and instead, calls him "that Matt guy" with a disgusted voice, hahahahaha.

He mentioned to me the other day that he can be jealous sometimes (he even apologizes to me in advance, haha, "I'm sorry if I get jealous. Girls don't like when guys are jealous."). I still get to hang out with my guy friends, of course, but he's made it pretty clear that it'd better not be more than hugging. I tilted my head reading this text because we don't even exchange hugs with friends of different sex, unless on special occasions (like with Riskho, for example, or that one time I slept in Araz' bedroom cause we had a big test in the following morning), so it's gonna be okay.

Aug 27 - Jinx and Mind-Reading

Believing in numbers is superstitious, yes, I know, but I can't help it. I always enjoy playing with numerology cause it's fun and unique! (For example, 2x4=8.) So imagine my surprise and joy when I found out his favorite number is also 7 like mine!

From numbers, we talked about Cristiano Ronaldo, because he's number 7 in Real Madrid. Cause he plays for Portugal national team, we talked about Figo (my favorite Portuguese player) and also Postiga (Veronica's favorite, only because of the name, hahaha). We then discussed about Maradona's career, because he's one of his favorite players of all-time (I'm just okay with him as a player but we both agree he's a terrible coach). I said I thought he would go for Pele instead of Maradona, and he said the reason why is because he's never that crazy over a goal machine, both in the old age and nowadays. I'm not too impressed by goal machines either, which is why we started talking about my favorite player Oliver Kahn, who was a goal keeper and my all-time favorite (Luis said, "Ooh, no, the German, of course"). We then discussed about how Lehmann was never comparable to him, although we agree that Neuer is closer. It was only logical that our next topic was around Casillas and Buffon. When we reached to Pepe Reina and Cech with his signature head cap, I could almost burst of excitement because we really speak the same language.

Also with the other things we have in common: we hate animals, we don't drink soda (we would feel funny drinking soda when we were little, and although now we can drink it just fine, we still don't like it), our reluctance of raising kids in a big city, and the horrifying one - how we grow to think like each other even more everyday!

But actually the last part has a drawback. I can't tease him (scare him with my sudden change in reaction and laugh maniacally when he falls for it) as much as I could in the first days..... </3

Aug 27 - Jet Lag

PMS has always made my life feel like a living hell. I would take deep breaths during the day, curl into a ball to sleep, and wake up in the middle of the night because of a burning stomach. This PMS is no different than the usual.

This morning, I woke up at 4.30 to the same stomach problem. I struggled for almost half an hour before it stopped rumbling. Helpless, I reached out to my phone to see a good night message he left for me from the night before. As my morning routine, I texted him a "good morning", completely unaware of his 'last seen' on WhatsApp.

Not long after I put down my phone to force myself back to dozing off, it beeped to notify me of a new WhatsApp message. It was from Luis! Apparently he was just about to sleep. I was struck by a high voltage of happiness: finally I get to say good night in the correct timeline. I went back to sleep with a big smile on my face, repeating his last message sent to me, "Slaap lekker, Sayang of mine."

Aug 25 - Coming Out

He told me multiple times that he loves my long, black hair. I was so bored waiting for our choir's turn to sing at the Judicium that I borrowed Theresa's iPad to take close up pictures of my face and hair. I just sent them tonight (past midnight where I am) and he liked them so much. At least that's what he told me.

[Speaking of Theresa! She was literally the first among my best friends whom I told about Luis to. I first told her when we were rehearsing for choir at school, so she knows the whole process from almost the very beginning. Funny thing, that time she was still rooting for M, hahaha, to her M seemed like the more sincere guy, but it's not like she's against Luis or anything. Finally, two days back, Aug 23, she talked with Luis on my phone. I couldn't be happier when she granted us an approval! I needed that and seeing how excited she looked while using my phone, I knew it right away that he has won her heart, too. It means so much to me that both she and Luis are willing to get to know each other, which reminds me of what he said after texting with Mariana and Irene two days in-a-row, "It doesn't feel like we're just messing around."]

Of all the three sets of pictures I made him, there's one he loves the most, it's the puppy eyes series, and he made it his background. I was blushing so hard at the action, especially because I remembered his previous background was the picture I made for him with Stephanie last week.

V: What are you gonna tell Guus and the guys if they see your phone background? (blushing face)

L: I will put it as my profile picture. If that's okay with you. (closing eyes monkey)

V: Profile picture on WhatsApp??

L: Yes. If you don't like that I will only do it as background. (blushing face)

V: My heart is beating really fast. That would be really sweet......... But aren't Lisan, Guus, Danny, even Ana are on WhatsApp too?

L: Yes they are. But that isn't a problem for me. I am proud of you. (closing eyes monkey)

V: What are you gonna tell them....?

L: That you are my girl.

*insert a thousand hearts here*

Aug 25 - Football Craze

I was this crazy girl who followed EPL and was more updated about football news than my guy friends. The first time he knew about this, a week ago, he was shocked, but in a good way. Tonight, after casually mentioning football again, he expressed his wonder. 

L: Oh, Man, I dreamed my whole life about a girlfriend who likes to watch soccer with me.

V: Haha I'll go back to my old self. On one condition.

L: What's the condition?

V: I get to yell at and scream during the match, mostly at the referee.

L: Ooh, that's okay. (smiley face) I have one condition too.

V: What's the condition?

L: Don't dare to support Barca.. Haha I really hate them to death.

V: Hahaha of course notttt!

L: Then we are fine!

V: BUT! I don't think I'll ever choose KNVB over the Germans...... (terrified face)

L: (sad face)

V: Hahahahah, don't be madddd.

L: Okay, but never for Barca.

Now I know how to get back at him if he pisses me off: I'll wear Barcelona's jersey at El Clasico. Hahaha.

Aug 25 - Rationality and Possibility

It's obvious that the fundamental reason why it's working with us is because we're brutally honest to each other about everything, although at numerous times it can be risky for our relationship. Personally, I'm so glad that with him I don't have to fake things or change my sentence in the middle of typing because he accepts me for who I am.

This morning he was telling me that he would delete his OkCupid account. One thing led to another until we reached the topic of cheating. Usually the more rational one, this time, from the start, he said it will never happen because he devotes his heart to only me. Of course I appreciate his deed and positivism, but being so far away from each other, there is nothing to guarantee and nobody to vouch for our faithfulness. We meet hundreds of other people daily and there is always a possibility that one or both of us will meet someone else, someone closer, and mistaken them to be someone better only because they are available.

Although he's still on his stance that he would never look for someone else when he's with me, he finally agrees with me on one thing, that we will not cheat on each other. If the damned thing of opening our heart to another person really takes place, we will tell each other upfront, rather than going behind each other's back and making up stories to use it as a reason to break up. I'm very pleased with this and became even more confident about going on this journey with him.

Nasi kuning with ayam bumbu rendang and kerupuk Bali that he made for dinner. He made it "extra hot" tonight. Why? "I thought I have to get used to it." Cheers to Indonesian spicy food!

Songs

Long distance relationship songs......... or just everyday songs that remind me of him. Each title is linked to the lyrics post supported by A-Z Lyrics. Additions can be made at all times.

LDR songs:

Melanie Amaro - Long Distance

Vanessa Carlton - A Thousand Miles

Plain White T's - Hey There Delilah

Brandy - Long Distance 

(originally performed by Bruno Mars)

Avril Lavigne - Wish You Were Here

3 Doors Down - Here Without You

Sara Bareilles - Many the Miles

Death Cab for Cutie - Transatlanticism

Luis & Victoria:

Laura Izibor - Mmm

Charlie Mars - I Do I Do

Chase Coy - Lullaby

Aug 24 - Possession

Tonight, right before I went to sleep (Okay, fine! When I had just gotten out of the shower and still had only a towel on) he asked me that question again. This time I said yes.

The twenty-fourth of the eighth month. 24/8. 2x4=8.

Yes, I just stepped out of a cheesy romantic novel, but I didn't care.

I won the lottery. He is mine. :)

Aug 20 - The Explosion

After realizing I started to have feelings for him (and he did too, for me), I decided that one of these days he must know about Matthew. It wouldn't be fair to him if I kept on replying to both him and Matthew. I knew it then if I wanted to try it with Luis, I was going to have to end things with Matthew. But knowing a sweetheart Matthew really is, I didn't have a heart to just say bye (or block him on Facebook like Stephanie suggested). I knew the best way was to take it slow and explain it to him why it wouldn't work, so I needed time.

On WhatsApp, you can see if someone you are texting with is reading your message or not. When he is, right below his name it is written "online", and when he is not, it is written "last seen on (time sign)". During the 20 minutes I was telling him all about Matthew, he stayed in a complete silent, reading my every message without even commenting a word. Right after I finished, he was typing something, but I stopped him. I explained him what I really felt, because it was probably the last time he would ever want to talk to me. I knew I made a mistake and he was going to be really mad, but I cared about him and he deserved to know the truth. And I was right, he was really mad.

"Wow, I thought I had met the most honest girl in the world." I gasped. I felt my heart broke, but I continued reading what he was typing in one long message. "Wasn't it all about trust..? I put a lot of energy in 'us' because it felt so good. But you were just hiding this huge thing from me.. I feel pretty betrayed and hurt right now. Not because he loves you, but because you were hiding things from me and I thought it was all about honesty and trust. Something I couldn't find here in Holland, but now I see it's just human. It now feels like you dump him not because you don't like him but because you like me more."

The next minutes continued to be a living hell. He didn't hide his anger, it was really clear that he was upset. I did all in my ability to explain why he is different than the other guys, especially Matthew, but even I know, if I were him, I wouldn't be convinced. How can he be? For all he knows, he could be the next Matthew I'll dump when I meet someone better. I went from feeling guilty, to getting angry, to defending myself, to feeling guilty again. But when he said, "The thing is, this had happened before and I don't know why I deserve this." he finally stated one thing I was honestly most afraid of, because I know this is somehow similar to his story with his ex-girlfriend of three years, Lisan. With all energy drained from my body, I texted him, "Lu. You don't deserve this. You're right. Thank you for the past weeks. It's been a pleasure talking with you. :)"

That's it, I thought. I have messed up and now I have to bear the consequences of screwing up on something I had put my heart into. But there came another text, "Don't say that.. I never said I would give you up."

The rational reaction was to feel grateful and thank him, but I fell in too deep, I know I don't deserve him. What I didn't believe, even after I treated him like this, he still replied my every message, although I know he was still flushed. I finally told him to just go, to which he replied, and broke my heart into the even tinier things, "I don't know, I really like you, all about you. But this is the second time you are talking about quitting.. I want someone who will stay with me and doesn't give up. And you have to tell me you will never lie to me again or hide things.. And you really have to make it up to me."

We talked about this some more, and I did something I had never done to any other guy before, I begged. Well, not in a clingy way or something, but I made it crystal clear I was really sorry and he needed to give me sometime to really 'break up' with Matthew, because that's what I was going to do.

V: Fuck my pride. Lu, don't give up on me. The second you give up on me, I will give up on myself.

Magically, he softened. 

L: You will get a chance. I mean, everyone deserves a second chance. But you are really lucky that I like you, because otherwise I wouldn't even talk back.

V: I know. Please know that I'm really sorry.

L: That's not the point. I know you are. It's more that I have difficulties to trust you again. You really have to earn it now. And that will take some time.

What happened after that really caught me off-guard. He wanted to know about our future. He was asking a set of serious questions and although I answered them one by one, it still gave me a huge question mark. He asked me everything, from our religions difference (he's a Roman Catholic while I am a Protestant) to our views about marriage (he's really skeptical about marriage while I would keep my virginity until the day I get married). Until finally, I couldn't stop myself from blurting, "Before this, did you really think we would make it until the summer is over?" And he replied in a split second, "Yes. I have no idea why it should end."

That was when I was at a loss for words. Every time I told Mom about him, I always said, "Relax, Mom, in several days, our holidays would be over. I'll get busy with school and he will too. We'll stop texting and voila, it will be as if we never knew each other." Seeing him so positive about us, it actually slapped me. He has faith in us. And something moved in me. Something told me everything was going to be alright.

And just like that, we both cooled off. Sure, we still discussed about important matters (at one point I even asked him frankly, what about his sexual needs, since we come from different background and lifestyle and I have nothing to offer), all the heavy stuffs there were, but we did it with clearer mind and better acceptance. 

To my surprise, we really did make up, and we made up good. We joked about things, tried the words 'lake' and 'luke' to substitute 'like', and invented "the weird scale". Although I was dead worn out after our two-hour fight, I went to bed smiling from his sweet message, "I really feel good now that everything is 'cleared'. How fast you already made me smile again, it's amazing. :) We talked about so much in so few days! You are a kakak for everyone, but for me a sayang. <3 <3 En ga nu slapen, Liefje." Ah.

Aug 19 - Darlings and Cockroaches

He now occasionally calls me sayang every now and then, while I was totally helpless with Dutch. I even asked Alfons about it and that guy was completely useless. It's now obvious that the past years I've been "idealizing" him, clouding myself with what I thought of him instead of what he really is. My friends were right, he wasn't that good for me. But that's a story for another time. I gave up eventually and asked Luis directly.

V: Lu, Lu, what is the term of endearment in Dutch for a girl to a guy? I looked up online and found schatje, lieverd, and liefje. But those are for girls right, not for guys?

L: You can say it for both. :) So I can say schatje to you, but you too to me. Haha, don't call me lieverd, it's sooo uhm.....

V: So what, Lu? Feminine? :P

L: No, it's uptight, haha, my family would laugh at me. (tears of joy face)

V: Hahaha what do you mean uptightttt? I don't understand.

L: Uhm, I looked it up in the dictionary. In Dutch it's kakker.. Uhm, cockroaches?

V: WHAT!!!?

L: Like, uhm, people who have a lot of money/overdone, always play polo, etc.

V: Honey, cockroaches are the animals!! The gross ones hahahahaha.. Okay, I'll find what lieverd really means, hahahaha.

L: Then my dictionary app is crap. Haha..

Aug 18 - Interpretation Gone Wrong

I know someone has gotten into my systems (either it's for a good cause or bad) when I couldn't wait to tell my sisters (translation: Veronica, Mariana, Irene, Astrid, Kristi, and sometimes Stephanie because we rarely meet) about him or her. It is obvious that I'm so in the process of liking him, so I've made sure Veronica, Mariana, and Irene are with me every step of the way. One night, I was texting both him and Mariana and I had this crazy idea of introducing Mariana to him by asking her to write something for him that I would screenshot and send to him. So she did, and he sent a picture too as a reply.

I couldn't help but blush reading those words, especially the last sentence, although it was meant for my sister. The later part is best described with actual quotes. Words in the brackets mean emoticons used.

V: (closing-eyes monkey)

L: Haha, it's really terrible with paint, but I hope she likes it.

V: You do realize I can read what it says on the picture, right?

L: Haha, yes of course! Did I write something bad? (shocked cat)

V: No, you kinda said you liked me. But I don't know. (princess)

L: You know, liking as I really like talking with you. (flustered face)

The butterflies stopped moving all of the sudden. I stared helplessly at my sister who is trying to sleep. "Veronica, he doesn't like me that way." But I had to play it cool.

V: I know, hahahahaha I like talking to you too!!!

L: VICTORIA! Sometimes you scare me haha

So he was relieved I didn't think more than that!

V: HAHAHA I didn't mean to this time. What did I do to scare you?

Geez, look how fake I was.

L: "You kinda said you liked me, but I don't know." I thought, "Ooh, man, she doesn't like me." (sweaty face)

Wait, what?! "Veronica, he does like me that way."

V: Ahahahaha!!! Luuuu. I meant like this, you can like me as a friend. But you can also like me as.. You know, more than a friend. Haha.

L: I know but we only know each other for a few days. But let's be honest. IF we are going to like each other more than friends, what then?

HUH?! "Veronica, he doesn't like me that way."

V: I'm not in the mood for this. Let's talk about something else?

L: Ooh, okay sorry.

And we went talking about something else, which was really uncomfortable. I was literally laying on the very edge of my bed, wanting to stab myself. An hour later, I said I wanted to sleep, to which he replied, "Okay. Thank you! Don't want to talk like this, this doesn't feel right. Night." I had to bite my lip reading that. What doesn't feel right?! What doesn't feel right?!?! This time Veronica had already fallen asleep, so I was left with no ally at all. I should just turn off my phone. Okay.

Seven minutes later, after forcing myself to sleep and failing miserably, I decided I would (wo)man up.

V: Luis..

L: Yes?

V: What doesn't feel right?

L: I'm sorry if I have been too sweet or something. I will slow down if you like. It just felt so strange that we talked curtly. Or it looks like it. You know if something is wrong, tell me, I will be there for you.

Just. What. The. Fuck. Is. He. Talking. About. And why the hell was my sister asleep! Okay, I'm delusional, he only means as friends.

V: If anything, I think I like you a little bit too much than I should. Should we call it quits?

L: You think that is a bad thing? Because I feel the same way. But it feels strange because I only know you for a few days. I won't give you up so easy..

HUH?! But he said.......

V: You said yourself IF we like each other more than friends, there's nothing we can do.

L: How you mean? You mean the distance?

WHY are you even asking me this! You said it! Let's just say yes.

V: Yes.

L: So you don't even wanna give it a chance?

You said "what then?"!!!!! I thought I was the most confusing human being in the planet.

V: You never asked whose wedding I attended yesterday.

L: You married?

I can't. I can't. I can't even. It was a miracle Veronica didn't wake up for my maniac laughing sound I produced that time.

V: Omg I was so close to tears and now I'm almost explode of laughing.

L: Omg my heart is beating like crazy.

V: *I almost explode of laughing. See I can't even get my grammar correct.

He couldn't have thought I got married and still texted him! Geez.

L: Sorry I forgot to ask. We talked non-stop. Whose marriage was it?

V: My grandpa has a driver. The driver has a daughter. The daughter graduated from university in German literature. She married a German whom she met on Omegle. My point is... Stuffs like that happen. But I don't know if such luck will happen to me too.

L: Okay, but you are not sure about it. Why do you want to quit while we even didn't try anything?

V: Cause I don't feel like you want to give it a shot. Do you?

L: Whatttttt!!? Of coourse I want! Please Vic. I have never been so nice to someone I just met. You are joking about the player thing, but I really never did this to any other girl. And if you don't believe me, I didn't even check OkCupid for days just because I really liked the way we talked.

Shit, Butterflies, stop flying around!

V: I haven't gone on Omegle nor Chatous after we started talking..

That's true.

L: So why do you think I don't wanna give it a shot?

V: "I know but we only know each other for a few days. But let's be honest. IF we are going to like each other more than friends, what then?" >> You really slapped me with this.

L: It was a question. It wasn't meant like, "Ooh, then there's nothing."

Anybody has a gun? I feel like shooting myself. Or him. I'll decide it later.

V: What do you think of me? What do you think of... us?

L: Okay, so I will try my best English because I notice that sometimes it's the English... YOU: Okay, so this is kinda hard. When we started talking, I felt a click. I don't know how or why but feelings never lie.. You are funny, cute, sweet, and meany in a good way. How respectful you talk about family, I mean, I can't even think of a better girl. The pictures are just everything. There is nothing I don't like about you.. And yes, maybe that's why I really start to like you. Okay, and US now. US: It's just that we have so much in common. We don't drink, smoke, nor do drugs. We don't like cats nor dogs. Okay, so you like Germany, of course, and you are smarter; we can't be twins... You correct my English and you really make me smile. And that is making me happy. And I already feel bad if we have an argument of something.. But yes, we live oceans away. But for me that doesn't feel like not giving it a chance.. And I know I am not perfect.

Wait, why haven't I gone to heaven already?

V: You're perfect for me.

VIC????!!!!! Just what in the world did you say it for?! Veronica will be fuming tomorrow when she hears about this.

L: Why don't you wanna give it a chance then? That kinda hurt me.

Payback time.

V: Did you think it made me happy? Since we're at this, I'm just gonna be honest anyway. Even things like how you didn't wanna be on the phone with me hurt me.

Okay, that was exaggerating. He'd told me he didn't wanna call me because he's afraid of his English.

V: I just didn't choose to show it. Instead, I went along asking other things to hide my annoyance. Lu, it wasn't because I didn't want to give this a chance. I didn't think you like me more than a friend. I've been hurt so many times. I was going to stop things because I was afraid I liked you more and I'd end up brokenhearted. I swear I couldn't stand more hurting and heart breaking story Lu. If you don't think of me like what I think of you, it's better if we end this.

Happy now?

L: I told you clear how I feel about you. So please send me how you feel.

This guy.............. Gosh. I never needed to explain how I felt to guys before! Why am I doing this?

V: And I've told you, you're perfect for me too. I couldn't believe how hard I tried to memorize your family tree. :')

L: No, but really what do you like about me. I have been hurt many times too. That's sweet, I tried yours too, but it's too big. I made pictures of it.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.. That's about the craziest but sweetest thing someone can do. Fine, I'll give him the explanation he deserves.

V: You're sweet. You're attentive. You flirt back with me. You put up with my crazy attitude. You take Ryan to soccer. You bring cupcakes over to Manuela. You have Faysel, Ikram, and Badr on your WhatsApp picture. You share chocolate mousse with your mom. You risk your friendship with me when you said your Dad was not a subject to jokes. And you casually mention Guus, Niek, Danny, and Antonio's first serious girlfriend as if I had been in your life for so long. Haha, I can't believe I'm embarrassing myself by writing all these.

L: Please don't feel embarrassed. This is good for 'us'. If there was something I did too less in previous relationships, it was talking.

V: Although I still can't believe why you hate McDonald's. Nobody can hate McDonald's. (six french fries)

L: Because I know it's so bad for your health, I can't even imagen.. So I will do a lot for you but I will not go to the Mac. (flustered face)

V: Imagine, Honey. :P

L: That's why I can't be happy with a girl here in Holland.. If I said things like, "I have to babysit my nephew" they said, "You are different." But they didn't mean it good. If I talk with you, it's just way different. I even forget to eat when I am talking with you. So please, never say I don't like you again.

I swear there should be a policy against butterfly to fly around so aggressively in someone's tummy.

V: Just to be clear, so you like me?

L: Yes.

V: And you want to give it a shot?

L: Yes.

Hehehehehehehehehehehe. That was quite a long conversation to re-tell, but it was worth it. Right before I went to sleep, he texted me, "So, I am happy we talked about this. You know, it feels like we are on the same line now. I know we will be honest to each other so it's gonna be okay. And btw, yes we are oceans away, but you feel soooo close. :) Goede nacht Schat en rust uit. :)"

Aug 15 - Opposite Attracts

If there is one thing about me, being an Indonesian who is a Grammar Nazi, I get annoyed over the smallest spelling or writing mistake. According to the latest study, I have an OCD called Grammatical Pedantry Syndrome.

If there is one thing about him, being a Dutch who had never actively conversed in English before, let alone virtually, he mistypes everything he writes. It can get really funny when he fails to deliver a correct message because of this. 

And there I am correcting almost all of it, something that drives him off the edge but I'm enjoying it almost too much. He goes from inserting frown emoticons, sad faces, to frustrated expressions  like, "You will give me a heart attack one day." 

Oh, boy, he should get used to me, alright.

Aug 15 - Birthday, Baking, Butterflies

It was the eve of my birthday. We were constantly texting until just a little before midnight when I had to come downstairs (a family tradition to get together at 00:00 on birthdays) and when I checked my phone afterwards, there was this short "Happy birthday!" line among the other things he mentioned in his reply message. Exactly the opposite of M's extra long birthday email which was sweeter than a laundry bag of sugar (go figure).

During the day, I asked him for my presents. I was so curious and he knew it! He said, "Going to the gym now and then making your present because certain things have to 'change temperature'. Haha, is that making you even more curious?" I, who since day one always warns to block him right away if I receive a nude picture, replied with, "YOU ARE GOING TO SEND ME A NUDE PICTURE OF YOU OMG OMG OMG! This can't be happening!" I know he wouldn't do it in a million years, it is just hilarious to see his reactions.

In the evening, I came back from dinner to see a picture waiting for me. I was expecting a picture he made on Paint, or the furthest was a picture of him holding a "Happy Birthday!" sign he made with a paper. Instead, here is what I got.

To say I was amazed is an understatement. I mean yes, it was amazing, but most importantly, I was touched by this. Who bakes a batch of cupcake and decorates them for someone he just knew for three days? The "x Lu" piece is definitely my favorite. He never told me he would let me continue calling him by that unusual nickname (You get called Lou all the time when your name is Louis, but Lu from Luis?). On my birthday night, I realized something, I started feeling butterflies on my stomach.

Aug 14 - Special Remark

I went to see Halle Berry's The Call with Stephanie today. Right after the movie ended, as we were picking out a restaurant to have lunch and meet Sharon and Laura in, I checked my phones, fully knowing that both of them had just woken up (6 hours difference with M in Pedrogao and 5 hours difference with him in Roermond). My Blackberry blinked at the email, "Good morning Sunshine! How did you sleep last night? Xxxxxxxx" and my Samsung vibrated at the text, "Good morning Vic :) How did you sleep?" Kill me.

Turning 21 wasn't something I was really looking forward to, I explained it on my blog. In short, I couldn't even sleep at nights approaching Aug 15 because of the anxiety and unimportant thoughts. Doubting had never been this time-consuming. Both of them knew about this. M told me to relax and promised "to make you feel special although I couldn't be there for you and it really broke my heart." L, the always more realistic one, didn't make a big deal out of it. He even said I was "crazy" for being so freaked out. At the end of the day, he promised to "make something tomorrow" and "it's for your birthday but I only can send a picture of it." I bet you can easily tell which one I couldn't wait to see.

Speaking of Luis, in only two days we had begun to really get to know each other. He mentioned everyone in his family and that really touched me. I also always had this unusual feeling every time he brought up the topic of his nephews and nieces, but I couldn't really understand why that time. Suddenly Stephanie and Sharon took over my phone to say hi to him and he treated them very nicely. That was when I finally figured it out. He's a family guy, and family guys always earn the most brownie points.

Yes, he shares chocolate mousse with his mom.

Aug 12 - Biased Impression

So he texted me on WhatsApp, this time no more long messages. We literally chatted. Not much, but it was far from awkward. Then I remembered we had been talking and I hadn't even seen his picture. He did put his picture on OkCupid but I wasn't a fan. I could tell easily he's not photogenic. Which is good, I can't stand narcissistic guys, haha.

I went, "Shit, he's hot." Maaaaybe that gave me more excitement to reply to his messages, hahaha. Can't blame a girl for thinking a guy is good looking! I liked his personality already, I just didn't think he'd be a full package. 

If only he knew how many times I repeated this mantra, "Don't ask him who she is. Don't ask him who she is. Don't ask him who she is. DON'T." Ha!

Aug 12 - Friending

All these times I was only on OkCupid to make friends. On my "You should message me if" I wrote "You have one question you believe I couldn't resist to answer." This feature helps me narrow the message senders I should reply to. Please, you don't wanna know how many "Hi Beautiful, what's your name?" or "Omg you're so hot. Let's meet for a cup of coffee!" I got over the past year. Some are nice, but the rest is plain disgusting.

So this Dutch guy, who revealed later on that he is also of a Spanish descent. I didn't feel anything special at first towards his message, I didn't even read what he wrote on his profile before replying. I clicked his name only to check the description box to see his smoking, drinking, and drugs habit, whose boxes were marked "none". So he doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink, and he doesn't do drugs. The no smoking part I could understand, but the no drinking and no drugs part? White guys drink alcohol like us Indonesians drink sirup Marjan (bad analogy, I know), plus weed is legal in the Netherlands! I thought, "Hmm, maybe he's different..... or a pathological liar." Little did I know that our conversation would reach broader topics and the length of it would just continuously expand.

Right after he wrote a long message, he said, "That was a pretty long message." To which I said, "I don't mind long messages, if we're about to be friends then you should be able to tell me things." When he replied it with "Yes you are right, sometimes I can't tell a lot." I knew we were gonna be friends.

Later on that day, I told him I was going offline, so he asked for my WhatsApp. I had never given my number to anyone I met online. It's just plain creepy. I contemplated a lot and voiced what I was thinking about, but his "I don't know, it was just a proposal." whispered to me to give in. And it was the best decision I have ever made.

Aug 12 - The Beginning

One day, I couldn't find anything fun to do. I was really frustrated by this guy who kept on sending me lovey-dovey emails and had said more L-word to me in a week than my dad to my mom in a year. At first it was okay, I was in the mood for a form of adoration and he just happened to be the solution of the issue, so.. whatever right. But then all kinds of boredom came striking during my three-month summer break and he was just not cutting it anymore. I wanted to end things with him so many times but he just kept showing that I was the only good thing happening in his life. Don't get me wrong, he's really nice and has a good heart but he fell in too deep too quick and to be honest I found it suffocating. Didn't find what I was looking for in him, I re-activated my OkCupid account I've had since early 2012 for a little good fun (within the past year I've been deactivating and re-activating this account depending on my mood).

Among all things in my packed up inbox lied this message from a stranger.

And so the story begins.