Jul 23 - Those Who Believe

You know how your embarrassing/heartbreaking memories stay longer and are more prominent in your brain compared to the beautiful ones? I'll spare you some BS and instead encourage you to research the scientific explanations behind it. Happens to me and this blog too TBH, I feel lately I don't give enough shout out to those who have always supported, especially during the rough patches in our LDR span across 7 years. And/or now.

I am reminded today to thank God for those people. With the (initial) wedding day practically around the corner, every single day there's always at least two people dropping by virtually through phone calls, texts, and Instagram messages asking how we are doing. At first it felt like something I would have done too if I were on the other side. But there are just so many people. And ones who have done it one day keep coming back every so often. It's just extremely difficult to not think I'm up there with some of the luckiest girl on earth, for having so many God-sent people to take care of me in my time of needs.

Yesterday to today was a big one. In less than 24 hours, I had Uty, Zuzu, Eric, Jamal, Fajar, and Samantha reaching out via various methods. And it's not the "I'm great, oh by the way how's the wedding thing coming along?" kind of message, but the "Hey Vic, how are you? I'm here if you need anything!" kind of message. I didn't ask for attention, they just.. popped up unexpectedly. In the most heartwarming manner possible. In the way it makes me feel I had been a wonderful friend to them. I haven't.

The following didn't necessarily initiate conversation yesterday, but it would be a surprise if I did not hear from them in two weeks asking for updates: Allie, Araz, Nantulang Ipi, Galih, Kiti, Kak Des, Venessa, Ecel, Mbachi, Fifi, Stephanie, Bros gang, Tia Cruz, Kakak, Galuh, Naila, Natasja, and Mbak Bimbi. Not that ones who ask once or twice are not important (for example, Pak Syl's monthly check in; wow, talk about quality over quantity here), but I'm listing those special, above-mentioned names down so I do not forget. So the next time the tide turns -- NOT that I would ever wish for them to be unlucky or anything -- I know to place their names on top of my priority.

I don't give up because of them.

Jul 22 - It's What He Doesn't Do

Every single person in my circle knows I don't mind being called names, dealing with back-stabbing snakes, having to wait for a chronically late person, sleeping next to loud snorers, receiving non-constructive criticism, not getting the credits I deserve, hearing people talk shit and gossip about me; all the ultra common pet peeves there are. Those things do annoy me, but it takes a millisecond or two (fine, sometimes a day) for me to shrug it off and be over it.

Honesty, however, is the biggest thing for me. Although I'm not the smartest kid on the block, I know a thing or two more than that kid about spotting liars. Lying in my dictionary means two things: you underestimate my intelligence (that I would not be able to see right through you) and you're a coward who chooses to not tell the truth which may result in a confrontation. 

It might be biased, knowing I'm one who (more often than not) would risk relationships for the sake of letting the truth roam free. But I won't apologize as it's just my personality (and I think it's called 'personality' for a reason: it's a way to define that person). I'm a big girl, I can handle ugly truths and forgive your actions; however, if I spot you're lying to me, that's the end of it. I keep quiet but make a mental note that you're no longer one who deserves to benefit from me in any way, shape, or form.

Maybe that's one big fat reason why I've never wanted to call it quits with this guy. Look, I'm not gonna sit here and pretend like he's all that perfect, because he's not. But at least he doesn't lie to me, despite having all the reasons to, and the opportunity. Through it all, he chooses to come clean with things and have raw conversations with me, even at the expense of the follow up chore of buttering up this broken-hearted/completely-livid girl who always feels the need to say a piece of her mind. He's confident my state of mind wouldn't stay negative for all that long, cause he knows at the end of the day I'll come to my senses and remember that he remembers. 

That this is the way he cares. The way he appreciates me. The way he puts me first.

PS: Post not triggered by him. Some people lied to me today.

PPS: Of course I caught them. By default, I keep quiet but make a mental note that they're no longer ones who de-- oh, please, just scroll up already. :)

Jul 20 - #Priority

As briefly mentioned, Luis was here in Indonesia last March. For 4 x 24 hours.

Friday, Mar 13

He landed late in the day. I picked him up after work, carrying a small suitcase full of his prezzies. Will never know how he manages to smell (and look) so damn good.

Saturday, Mar 14

I hoped the morning he took to rest was enough cause we were about to start a jam-packed day! Gyu-Kaku lunch, La'Seine venue survey (which was his first and last time seeing *rolls eyes*), and crash course on Aku Percaya prayer with Bapa an hour before the baptism rehearsal with Inang Rita. My gut was completely wrenched in anticipation of the mandatory pre-baptism oral exam.... that turned out to not be mandatory as Luis was ushered by Inang Rita directly to the altar! All the reading material we had digested to prepare for this and apparently no questions asked! :D She's great. Closing the day with a dinner with Mama's side of the family.

Sunday, Mar 15 - Still obsessed with everything that happened today

Nothing better than cheap breakfast by the pool. Our kind of morning.

Today was going to be super intense! For starters, lunch and ice cream with Bapa's side of the family (please don't act like I didn't write 'super intense' in the previous sentence). This bunch (read: my people, in other words, multiple forms of me) is a lot to deal with, but Luis handled himself incredibly well, including and especially during his very first ever impromptu mandokhata. At least my family was meeting him in the middle by choosing Sate Khas Senayan and Pisa Cafe as the places.

Nobody had prepared me for this view.

His Aku Percaya was flawless and we welcomed SO MANY of these questions at the exit, "How long has he lived here?" "With whom has he been practicing the prayer?" "How long did the language course take?" and so forth. Bapa and I would just be exchanging dirty looks, not having the heart to tell them his first time mouthing the prayer out loud was exactly 24 hours ago. God is good! Worth noting as well that it was the first time HKBP Menteng has ever seen Inang Rita speak English.

We celebrated his baptism that night during the warmest dinner at Amanguda Hari's house. Today just could not be any better by any stretch of imagination.

Monday, Mar 16

Morning was spent at the tailor, choosing material, color, and model for his suits. From there, we met up with Mama's work friends while picking her up and were on our way with Abang too to the food tasting. Umara is definitely not the cheapest but they're just so, so good! Luis and I were so full that we had to pass on Al Jazeerah's famous kebuli set while on double date with Araz and Nadhy. Could never say no to late night Martabak Favourite though. 

Tuesday, Mar 17

And just like that, this was his last day in Jakarta. We looked for a cute little souvenir for his The Navigators spiritual father back home, enjoyed two large pans of pizza, ran some errands, and looked for wedding rings before starting with packing.

Those long hours on an airplanes (times two) only for (what feels like) a blink of an eye. Sometimes you make questionable decisions all for the sake of, uh, priorities.

Jul 17 - How His Brain Works

A pattern book for my journal and other crafting activities. This is the 5th one he got me.

A collector's item Pokemon card from the costume edition that I told him was super cute a few weeks ago.

A Hello Kitty doll cause he loves blue dresses on me and that I'm always on my phone according to him (not true).

So this is his line of thinking:

Logic 1

"She loves the four pattern books I got her for journaling. This would make a great addition to her collection! I'm buying this."

Scenario 2

Logic 2

"I remember showing this card to her and she thought this one was super cute. The black one looks like me and the pink ones look like her. Also cause zij heeft het druk so it feels there are two of hers in this relationship. I'm buying this."

Logic 3

"This is BASICALLY HER! 1. It's Hello Kitty. 2. It's a cute little doll. 3. It wears a blue dress. She always makes me choose a color and I always choose blue. 4. It's holding a phone! She's never not with her phone. I'm buying this."

Fine, maybe it's a tad too feminine to be his chain of thoughts. But did I mention everything was a just because gift?

Luckiest girl ever, I think so too.

Jul 16 - Engineering Hearts

His flight in with Garuda was initially booked for Aug 13, allowing him to arrive in Jakarta in the morning on the 14. A few weeks ago, due to slow demand for international flights, Garuda decided to reduce the frequency to twice a week. His got dragged three days in advance, scheduled to fly in on the 10. We felt so lucky his boss is a reasonable man, so it wasn't a problem to add a couple more days into Luis' planned annual leave.

This morning, he sent me a screenshot of, guess what, another change. Now he's scheduled to fly in on the 8. I'm thinking Garuda is now reducing the flights to only once a week (my heart sank cause it would create another chaos with his siblings whose work nature is not as flexible as his, but we'll deal with this later once we have heard from them).

How does this recent development make me feel?

Pre-Corona, this would be the best thing ever! Aug 8 is a Saturday, thus no problem with his work there. So why am I not jumping for joy, knowing I have two extra days with him? The answer is because I do not even know whether or not I'll end up having him board that plane if the partial lockdown policy is still in place.

Pre-Corona, I would have trouble sleeping literally starting from the night he booked his flights, from the excitement of having him come to me! Sadly it's not the case now. While usually I would have a note full of activities and food I wanted us to do/enjoy on his upcoming visit, this time around I cannot look forward to it too much..... except if I'm that ready to experience one hell of a disappointment.

Crazy to think I've engineered my heart so much that I'm not even stoked for my own wedding day. (insert a sad smile here)

Jul 15 - Big Mouth

Last picture taken during his visit in March

Today is exactly one month before the Batak/church engagement (and the mark of my last month of being 27). Borders are still closed for foreigners without KITAS, and Schengen countries no longer welcome Indonesian citizens without PR. With literally everything related to our wedding still all up in the air, people are wondering how I manage to not freak out.

I did. We gave our everything for 6 years before we finally received my parents' blessings. It took our last strand of hope, and effort, to not listen to those who did not believe in (long-term) long distance relationships. We've gotten this far, only to be faced with yet another hurdle right before our eyes. Of course I freaked out.

But one day I just came to realize that none of this is personal. This Covid-19 shit affects every single person on this mother earth - well, probably except for those living completely out of reach from the civilization. Granted it varies for everyone in forms, measures, and magnitude, but it's not like this pandemic was designed only to crush our dreams of getting married on our chosen day. How important are we, really, to think that millions of lives vanish just to continue keeping us apart?

From there on out, it has become crystal clear that worrying does not reduce a liter of this uncertainty we are forced to deal with. We can only wait and see. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. And all the other messages you've read off those overpriced bumper stickers. I would much rather focus on controlling my feelings and learning to accept the fact that there's a strong likelihood we won't be able to get married on Aug 22, or this year at all.

It's not personal. So I am calm.

Also cause it hasn't happened.

For all we know at the end of the day my big mouth could be of no use whatsoever when the heart is too broken to believe a word coming out of that mouth.

Hope not.